"So when are you due?"

I've had an OBGYN appointment on the calendar today for quite some time - my doctor must be in high demand because it is nearly impossible to get an appointment with her. So I arrive at 9:45 for my 10 a.m. appointment, fill out new paperwork with my big-girl Mrs. name on it, and tell receptionist I've moved from Memphis to Jackson. I find a seat and diligently fill out the forms, trying to remember Husbands SSN (without luck). And then, it begins...

Just for a visual, I'll describe the ensemble that was seated next to me:

• Acid washed jean cut-offs... so terribly short she was nearly showing her no-no parts to everyone in the waiting area
  
• Black suede clogs paired with a smashing set of black socks, hiked up mid-calf
• Fleece zip up that looked strikingly similar to this:
• Oh, I almost forgot the red lace camisole underneath, which quite possibly doubles as lingerie

And because everyone wants to talk before their lovely appointment with their gyno, she struck up a convo. Let's call her Wolf Woman.

Wolf Woman: So you live in Jackson? (*be sure to use your best Red accent while reading*)
Me: Yep... (pretends to read magazine)
WW: Have you ever been to the fairgrounds?
Me: Nope, I have not.
WW: Well I'm going this weekend, can you tell me how to get to the fairgrounds?
Me: Sorry, just moved there... I don't know my way around very well.
WW: I'm going to the gun show this weekend. Are you and the Mr. going too?
Me: Most definitely not.
WW: It's the best one around! Ya'll should totally be there. Best deals in on rifles, shot guns, EVERYTHING!

SILENCE.

WW: So, when are you due?
Me: Excuse me?
WW: When are you poppin' that baby out?
Me: Uhhh I'm not pregnant.
WW: You sure?

SILENCE again.

Seriously? This lady was for real. FOR REAL. Let me just say that I am 5'4'' and on a bad day I weigh 128 pounds. I do not, in any way, look pregnant. Or so I thought.

Oh, but there is more.

WW: Well I've been a'waitin for my doctor lady for 2 hours. I've got some "things" on my "area" she said she's gonna fry off. I just hope this procedure ain't gonna hurt none.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a direct quote. And also when I nearly vomitted. She even used air quotes when "things" and "area" were said.

On a happier note, I have 2 more days of work left... and then I might be able to breathe.

On a not so happy note, I have one word: Election. But I will keep my comments to myself as I'm sure everyone is tired to hearing about it.

On a fat note, I'm going to drag my pusdo-pregnant belly to the gym ASAP.